You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
