I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
