I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
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We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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