sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
