fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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