I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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