A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
