Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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