Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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