I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
