How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
