..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
