i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
