I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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