sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
