Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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