Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
