broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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