The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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