ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
