I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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