I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
