i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
