his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize