Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
