We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
