fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
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It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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