I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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