so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
