im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
