What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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