dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
