the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
