everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
