I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
