happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
