I think i peed on brittanys purse
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
