you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
