someone get that fucking seahorse.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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