I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
