I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
...so i touched it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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