I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it glows. i had to have it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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