i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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