the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
