So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
