i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
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just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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