I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
