I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
