I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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