I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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