Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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