Swine flu. Run for my life!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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