Can i not drive my cunt home
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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