So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
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tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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